When We Stay Too Long
Why do women stay too long in spaces that do not value our presence and contributions? Why do we give some of our best ideas and energy to people and organizations that continually mistreat us? Are these aspects that we should expect to be a part of our work lives? The truth is sometimes we stay to live, pay bills and take care of our families. However, it is also true that we often stay because we have not imagined other possibilities and are too exhausted to do so. I am sure there are reasons that men stay in jobs longer than should, but my research is focused on the experiences of women.
Recently, a friend shared that after a year of mistreatment by her employer, she had submitted her two-weeks notice. I asked what happened to cause her to end a relationship with a company that she worked years to build while having no other job prospects on the horizon. This advertising executive with a multi-million dollar client expressed,
"They want my brain, they want my ideas, they want my fresh perspective when it's convenient for them. They don't want it when it goes against what is convenient for them or what they have always done or what they want to do or think they should do. . .You [her employer] picked me apart for years. You picked the pieces that you wanted out of me. I feel like you tried to dissect me--without knowing it."
This brilliant and confident woman with an excellent work ethic, who has been honored for her leadership and professional prowess, shared that she felt sad, suffocated and disappointed for staying as long as she did. I knew that many other women could relate.
Through my conversations with women in various fields, one of the answers to why we stay too long seems to be that we care too much. We care about the mission of organizations and the people attached to them. A senior-level nonprofit employee explains similar feelings of frustration and embarrassment as she reflected on one of her first jobs out of graduate school, "I think that some of us, come into the work environment very naive about how the workplace actually works. We believe in mission, vision, charismatic personalities that promise they are different and they are offering something different. We believe that these people truly care about us, who we are blossoming into and our beings, but their words do not align with their actions." Millennial professionals and those generations that come after them seem to care more about the wellbeing of people and believe that organizations should not simply pride themselves on principles of care, but be committed to practices that demonstrate compassion and extend care to its employees and clients. “Women have an innate emotional attachment to being needed, to nurture…concern for leaving people hanging—our employers, but more importantly the staff under us or our clients,” Pamela Rachél, a public relations executive in Chicago, “will cause us to stay in a job longer than we should.” Those who lead and possess the strength of caring deeply for others often operate with the weakness of caring too much. Supervisors who talk about work-life balance and self-care will often make decisions that increase the productivity and revenue of the organization even if it impedes the mental, emotional and physical health of the women working there. Employers, specifically male supervisors, often look for and capitalize on women who are devoted to their work and possess an excellent work ethic. This includes churches and other nonprofit organizations that are sustained by the hard work of women, but the lack of gender diversity of their boards reflect that they only value us to certain extents.
Promises made and appreciation for what women have to offer help to get us in the door, yet both diminish the longer we stay. Is this something that we are to accept? Is it ridiculous to think that the same value that was celebrated during the hiring process continue throughout one's tenure of employment? When we demonstrate that we will stay late, take work home, and spend extra time to attend to details, sadly, we get taken for granted and devalued. Women share getting a great deal of support when they stay late, eat lunch at their desks, respond to emails during vacation and bring positive attention to their employers. We live in a society where sacrificing one's self for one's success and career advancement are applauded. We are praised while we are thriving outwardly and declining inwardly. From my experience, rarely do women get comparable support and affirmation in their workplaces when they demonstrate and prioritize care as mothers, wives, caregivers, friends or in personalized ways that are necessary for their health and wholeness.
In the “Women in the Workplace 2019” study by LeanIn.Org and McKinsey & Company, microaggressions were defined as, “forms of everyday discrimination that are often rooted in bias.* Whether intentional or unintentional, they signal disrespect and are more often directed at those with less power.” Women are regularly dealing with ignorance and subtle assaults on our intellect, character, body image and contributions. In my research, women have expressed that they are unfairly expected to be nice, nurturing, meek and motherly. When they lead with confidence and authority then they find it creates discomfort and they receive negative feedback (and if they were men then such responses would be highly unlikely). When women are not likable then it creates a myriad of issues that would not exist if we simply made it a priority to be liked by those with whom they work. When we are working hard to survive and succeed, we do not have the time to (nor should we have to) make it a priority to be liked and make friends in our workplaces. In the “Women in the Workplace 2018” study it was found that not only is there a number gap in managerial leadership between men and women, but that two-thirds of women in the workplace are regularly dealing with microaggressions--Black women are at the top of the list.** Women will give a great deal of energy to ensuring that assigned tasks are getting done, projects are up to standard and that our supervisors are pleased with all aspects of our responsibilities. All of this while we are dealing with comments and questions about our competencies that have misogynistic undertones. Until more leaders understand that “Microaggressions can have a macro impact,”* then women will continue to face unnecessary hindrances that affect wellbeing, promotions and flourishing.
Another reality is many women stay longer than they desire not because they care that much about their jobs, but they care a great deal about their families. Health insurance, mortgage payments, school loans, daycare, school clothes and other financial obligations keep women in toxic workplaces. There is another level of putting-up-with perseverance when it comes to mothers who are single parenting. Rachél offers another reason why women stay too long, ”we're in an unhealthy work environment that sucks the energy out of our personal life that we do not have the time to create an exit plan.” Furthermore, when we have stayed too long and finally exit, then those who come after us inherit the messes that we worked in (and the ones that some expected us to clean up).
After I worked a few years at a company, a male staff member was hired who took on some of my former responsibilities. He complained that they were too much and asked that the newly assigned tasks be amended because the workload required for a particular project was unreasonable. During my time overseeing this project, I never complained or asked that the expectations be reconsidered. Yes, they were taxing and stretched me, but they were not beyond my abilities or capabilities. When I shared this with another senior leader in the organization, she said (paraphrased), "Well, Alexis, it's our fault. You and me, we will give our time to juggling tasks and completing projects under unreasonable demands. Instead of voicing issues we will just do the work. Then when the work is handed off to others who voice their issues with the expectations, those who hear their complaints think, what's the problem? Alexis had the same projects and never brought up these concerns. We can make it more difficult for others when we don't speak up." I had not thought of this until my colleague and mentor brought it to my attention. The Women in the Workplace 2018 study shows that oppressive practices and challenges that women face when they are the only women in their workplaces are "significantly worse than women who work with other women…women Onlys are heavily scrutinized and held to higher performance standards.”** These factors contribute to the self-sacrificing behavior that tells us if we work harder, suffer temporarily and deal with the difficulties, then we will be rewarded. We hope that we will be promoted or more doors will open to us, but research shows that these are not commonly the results of our labor. We stay too long, suffer too much, and still most employers do not make it a priority to level the playing field. When we endure destructive conditions and toxic work environments then we pass on unhealthy expectations to those who come after us. I am learning to speak up. I am learning that when I voice legitimate complaints it is not a reflection on my competency or capacity. It means that I care less about the image that I want leaders above me to see and more about my health and wellbeing.
There are various reasons women stay too long at workplaces that do not value our presence and contributions. From needing paychecks to loving the work to hoping that the current work will grant us access to where we really want to be are all valid reasons for staying. For many other reasons, we will continue to stay when we should go. It is understandable why many who begun with enthusiasm and drive to make a difference in their line of work have shifted to accept that they are mostly making a paycheck. When we recognize women who are exhausted, burnout and not being valued, let us remind them of the skills that they have and the gifts that they bring into the workplace. Let us affirm their value and contributions. Sometimes this can be as simple as taking the time to notice one's contributions and celebrating her with affirming words. This can also mean asking the women in our workplaces what they need more of and what ideas they have for improving the work environment. And listening to their answers. To those who are in the struggle, make time to spend with people who care about you--not just about your work, not just about your accomplishments, but about you!
"I want to remind people, you are a whole person...You don't need to be picked apart. You have something to offer as you are--you are enough. You don't have to sacrifice yourself and who you are for anything and anyone," expressed the advertising executive. She wants others to consider how their toxic work environments are having adverse effects on their wellbeing and to do something about it. The hope is that we will do better at taking care of ourselves and knowing our value even if we have to stay employed at a place longer than is ideal. The senior-level nonprofit executive believes that we should not tire ourselves out with trying to find workspaces that are absent of toxicity and misogyny. One of the lessons that she has learned is, "And now that you know, you do better, you stay truer to yourself, you don’t give work more than it deserves because in the end every place is essentially the same with a few anomalies here and there... So since every place is the same, you have to choose to be a good person, a wise person, and a person who knows who they are and who’s they are."
"Sometimes when the truth sets you free you have to work through feeling like an imbecile for staying in chains so long" said Michelle Higgins
in processing traumatic circumstances that occurred years before. This activist, preacher and founding member of Faith for Justice is not only leading others to liberation but working through her own—as it is for many women who lead. The advertising and the senior-level nonprofit executives disclosed they were embarrassed and disappointed in themselves for staying in unhealthy environments as long as they did. The hope is that we will support one another by casting out shame from our sisters. As long as we make women feel foolish for the chains they have endured the more we sanction their shackling by others. When women have cared too much, we should not be the scapegoats for the sinful practices of supervisors, churches or other organizations. The hope is that we will grow in our ability to see and name the horrors, the toxicity, the manipulation and misogyny. When others hear us call out these aspects and share our stories of "staying too long" then these circumstances will become more recognizable, less tolerable and inexcusable.
When have you stayed too long? Is there someone in your circle that has stayed too long and needs your support?
* LeanIn.Org and McKinsey & Company, “Women in the Workplace 2019.” https://leanin.org/women-in-the-workplace-2019. p. 48.
** LeanIn.Org and McKinsey & Company. “Women In the Workplace 2018.” https://leanin.org/women-in-the-workplace-report-2018/foster-an-inclusive-and-respectful-culture
